I had a profound realization last week that all of my work can be summed up by two simple things.
Here’s what I do all day every day:
Give people permission to do what they want and what works for them.
Help people shift their attitude from beating themselves up about things they perceive as negative to seeing them as strengths and unique value.
That’s it really. Rinse and repeat.
And my goodness are we good at beating ourselves up in all kinds of directions. Clients are putting themselves down for:
Being a generalist and not being able to focus/dedicate their life to one thing
Being too specialized and pigeonholed in one area
Not having enough technical skills, only soft skills
Needing to have more degrees and technical skills to be where they should be
Not being career-driven
Being career-driven
Etc…
Now—I hope you see the irony in this list. I guarantee that for anything you’re worried about, I can find someone else who is worried about the exact opposite thing. It just proves how skilled we are at making ourselves wrong!
Here is a particularly stark reminder that you should all do what is right for YOU, not what you think is right.
Two Clients Set Free by Completely Opposite Realizations
I had a somewhat surreal experience a few weeks ago where on two days back to back, two clients were set free by completely opposite realizations.
One client almost whispered her realization to me since it was still so new for her - “you know what I realized, I’m not career-driven...and that’s ok”. It was important to her to enjoy her work and do well and align it with her strengths, but actually what was most important for her was having the time and energy to volunteer at her son’s school.
The other client discovered the complete opposite. She made peace with the fact that she is career-driven, even though loved ones around her don’t operate that way and she often compared herself to their outlook on work. She felt the freedom in choosing her own preference and started taking actions in that direction.
What would the world be like if we all just did what was right for us?
Self Compassion Over Self-Criticism
I once read an article where a physician shared her work philosophy and it immediately resonated with me. Her philosophy is to be way nicer to her patients than they are to themselves.
I feel the exact same way. I get to be WAY kinder to my clients than they are to themselves. I let clients see what happens when they don’t beat themselves up, see traits as their unique value instead of liabilities, trust themselves to do what's right for them, and stop making themselves wrong.
As my clients know, if you’re beating yourself up a lot, you get sent my list of articles on the research of self-compassion vs criticism.
Since you’ve read this far, I’m going to assume you’re kicking yourself about something and would benefit from the list.
Self-criticism, motivation, and goal progress of athletes and musicians - "These findings suggest that self-criticism not only represents a risk factor in the pursuit of personal goals, but also for negative affect subsequent to setbacks in goal pursuit."
Why High Achievers Choose Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism - "In almost every aspect of life, self-compassion trumps self-criticism."
How to work on your weaknesses - without beating yourself up - "But is beating yourself up doing you any good? Is there such a thing as being too hard on yourself? According to the research, absolutely. Overly harsh self-criticism has been shown to undermine motivation, impede progress towards goals, and increase procrastination."
5 Questions to Ask Yourself
So, for any place you’re beating yourself up currently, ask yourself the following 5 questions:
What’s possible if you didn’t beat yourself up about this or make yourself wrong?
What if you didn’t compare yourself to anyone else?
What if you trusted yourself to do the right thing for you?
How might this attribute/situation you’re unhappy with contribute to your incredibly unique value, instead of a liability/shortcoming?
What could you learn from applying self-compassion instead of self-criticism in this situation?
If you can take a moment to stop beating yourself up and start looking for ways to honor the way that you are, you’ll find more wisdom, more confidence, and more self-compassion.
You’ll be set free from the expectations you’ve placed on yourself and able to take action in line with the things that are meaningful to you.
What would that version of your life be like?