If you're carrying around shame or embarrassment from a layoff or a termination, you're not alone. Many of my current clients have recently experienced a layoff or termination and it takes a huge toll.
Not only can a layoff or termination be a huge ego and confidence hit, but your then gremlins show up and have a field day. They add to the pain by making you feel all kinds of bad and wrong about the situation. And usually they tend to prescribe a daily dose of self-criticism.
A recent client described it this way:
“I was feeling very unmotivated and pessimistic in my job search, finding myself procrastinating while searching for jobs and indifferent to the few jobs to which I did apply. Even though, logically, I know that being laid off was something out of my control, I still was devoting a lot of energy to just surviving and fighting the negative beliefs that perhaps I had not done good work or perhaps I could have done something to save my job.”
That swirl of thought is very common. Some version of "I should have been able to do something" pops up in your mind and you start replaying that story again and again.
If your layoff was out of your control, and you can logically wrap your head around that, I'd like you to try something. Let's see if we can separate the facts of the situation from the interpretation you've created:
What are the facts? Your company had to lay off all contractors, the most recent hires were let go, etc.
What are you making it mean? That you couldn't hack it, you didn't do good work at the company, you're a terrible human being, you'll never hold down a job again, etc.
Can you see how the interpretation of the situation, not the facts, is causing shame and embarrassment? The good news is that you are the one who created that particular interpretation, which means that you have the power to choose a different one.
After our session and a few mindset reframes my client was able to arrive here:
“[Coaching] gave me the push I needed to shift my perspective about myself and my career journey, namely that I am in transition, that all I have done has led me here (for better or worse!) and that I have the autonomy to make big changes and choices even with all the obstacles facing me.
It helped me to shake off a lot of the negativity I have been feeling in my job search and career plan and empowered me to do what I need to do next."
Now, if you were fired or your layoff was somewhat performance related, I know what you're thinking. I'm sure your gremlins are popping up to say "See! It was my fault! I'm justified in making myself feel terrible!". Thank you for your opinion gremlins, but I've got another way for you to consider your situation.
My experience is that there is always a reason why something wasn’t a good fit.
For a recent client who was laid off, we discovered that all 3 of her top deal-breaker, non-negotiable values were out of alignment in that role. That created SO MUCH SPACE to release the shame. Of course, there was no way that she was going to be able to show up how she wanted to when her values were completely out of alignment with the environment.
The more language you have to articulate why something isn’t a good fit, the less you beat yourself up. Instead of feeling like you couldn’t hack it, should have been able to xyz, or are a personal failure, you can very calmly see how it wasn’t the right fit. It also allows you to feel confident in finding another environment that will be a good fit for you.
THAT is unbelievable power, and I am lucky enough to see it again and again and again.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a client about how he's still kicking himself for being fired two years ago. He said "I need to define the point when my penance is done".
My response?...How about yesterday?
I don't want you spending any more time allowing your gremlins to make you feel even worse. Let's either reframe your disempowering interpretation or articulate what wasn't a fit. When you spend zero time and energy adding to the shame, imagine what magic can you create in the direction of your goals.